Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Diseases My Children Have

Diseases My Children Have
By Kristie Burns

First it was ADD and ADHD to describe those kids who just couldn't sit in class...now there is something new called Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and Conduct Disorder (CD) (http://www.helpourchildren.com/disorders.htm) to describe kids who tend to react violently and/or defiantly to things.

I am highly disappointed that more diseases have not been recognized, however. So I thought I would help things along by adding my own impeccable research to the list:

1. DOD: Demagnetized Object Disorder: Objects tend to magnetize to my children and then demagnetize in random order throughout the house causing disarray and a lot of mess for me to clean up. Frequent reminding to put things away are ignored and I have come to the conclusion this must be because they are somehow unaware of the actual magnetization process that is occurring. This is a physical rather than a mental disorder.

2. ENCD: The Emperor's New Clothes Disorder: Very frequently I will arrive at school, a restaurant, the shopping center or some other location outside the house only to realize that someone has forgotten an essential item of clothing such as socks, shoes, underwear or other. I have reminded them and reprimanded them so many times it finally occurred to me that perhaps this is some disorder and they are not really guilty of any wrongdoing. Perhaps, like the Emperor they really "see" and feel these items and are truly unaware that they are not wearing them. Poor kids! I should probably medicate them for this disorder lest they go to school without clothing some day thinking they are clothed! I assume this would be the worst symptom of the disorder. Thankfully my children only have a low-grade type.

3. BAD: Bed Allergy Disorder: I feel so sorry for my children. They have no other allergies that I can tell, except the oldest one to Colas...but they all have this horrible allergy to beds. It does not happen with any other furniture - only beds. They can sit on couches, they can sit on dining room chairs (well at least as much as any kid with ADHD can), and even sit on the floor or a bean bag...but the minute you put them in a bed, they run, they jump up and they start as if they have been bitten by something. I hope they have medication for this one because I am thinking if they don't I will just have to start putting chairs in their rooms to sleep on.

4. FAMD: Food at Midnight Disorder: Luckily only my youngest has this disorder. She is unable to eat dinner but, like clockwork, the minute bedtime is called she says, "I'm hungry" and proceeds to the kitchen to devour anything in site. Originally I thought this was related to the BAD (above) but then I realized that if it was then the other two would have it too so I had to give it a different name.

5. EFD: Exploding Feet Disorder: This may actually fall more into the physical realm rather than the mental realm. It seems that every time my children go to take their shoes off that their feet suddenly explode and one shoe ends up in one room and the other shoe in another. Occasionally we have even lost shoes entirely – I never saw them again but I can only assume they were blown away when the feet exploded. This of course, affects the socks as well and the result is so horrible that the socks are beyond repair. So far their walking has not been effected but this year my eldest daughter did run a few seconds slower in the one mile run at school than she did last year so I think I am starting to see the long-term effects of this ailment. I only hope they come up with a medication in time to save their feet from permanent damage.

6. DKD: Defiance Kissing Disorder: This is a cousin of the ODD mentioned above but without the violence. My younger child has a terrible case of this. If I tell her to do ANYTHING or she wants to do anything “against the rules” she comes and gives me a kiss and says, “I love you” and then proceeds to defy my rules and me in the most flagrant manners imaginable! It is so horrifying! The thing that makes this disorder so terrible to endure, however, is the sweetness in which it is done. This also makes the disorder hard to detect. Your child may have it and you don’t even know! I wouldn’t know myself except I have sharp eyes and finally figured the pattern out over a series of months. Some children never get diagnosed. Instead they carry the label of “Angelic and sweet child” with them their entire life, but crippled by this terrible disorder that no one ever did anything about!

These diseases were of course, discovered by me, Kristie Karima Burns, MH, ND. I take credit for their discovery and hope to share in the profits of any medication that is created to cure them. Could you please add to this list and pass it on? If we all work together and list all the diseases our children have perhaps we can find some kind pharmaceutical agency to take on our cases and I will never have to trip over another shoe in my hallway again!

Blessings and Health,
Kristie Karima Burns, MH, ND

PS: here is one a friend added:

She called it : SAD: Sibling Annoyance Disorder. Hmmm…yes. I think I know that one.

My youngest child has the worse case of that. This is the disorder where you completely forget all ways and means of communicating and interacting with another human and break down into using completely and only annoying means of communication. It is like dyslexia where you read backwards, or stuttering where you say words twice…but in this case you use only annoying words and means of communication. This disorder is usually reserved for siblings. However, if the disorder is left untreated it may extend to the mother and then eventually to other members of the human race.

If you have any to add please make a "comment" below. Thank you!


Lisa said...

Awesome, Kristie! I laughed so hard!

Lisa said...

(MOD) Multiple Outfits Disorder
My kids have an aversiion to wearing only one outfit per day. This usually affects my girls more so than the boy. Maybe its gender exclusive. This happens most of the time they notice the laundry hamper is empty and sets off an uncontrollable chain of events to change outfits that are not soiled in the least. The usual outcome for both girls is generally 3 outfits per day. We're hoping this will be cured when they themselves start doing their own laundry.

Meleekah360 said...
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Meleekah360 said...
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Meleekah360 said...

I think I cracked the window because I laughed so hard with the foot explosions. This has happened in my home numberous times, I thought I was just not on top of it with these children, but now I know Moms are going through the same things. Thanks for making these humorous reminders instead of annoyances of life. You are Awesome!!

Lady Jae said...

I laughed hard on this! So funny, so true! Others are dealing with the same as I am daily! Maybe since the pharmaceutical co's have not cured yet we could find an herb or tea to cure? lol!
I once before home schooling, had a teacher call me because my daughter was quietly taping her pencil on the desk! She felt we needed meds for adhd for that!
so now we home school and the tap all they want! Oh it just dawned on me it must be a taping disorder= TD, taping on tables, desks and other objects, usually with some pattern/beat! It must be stopped, my one daughter says it helps her focus and think better.