Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Segregation is Not Good Enough...

When I lived in Saudi Arabia 3 years ago someone sent around some rumor that the International School was going to segregate because of pressure from the Saudi Government. I got the e-mail from about six people who were panicking and asking me “What do you think of this?” I was a bit tired of all the rumors that people spread every week to create new panic in the community so this was my response…

Segregation is Not Good Enough
By Kristie Burns

I received a letter today that said our schools might have to become segregated. I was overjoyed! Finally, I thought, they have found a way to keep annoying people in a group all their own. I assumed they would segregate the school into annoying and non-annoying people. But then I found out they were talking about dividing the boys and the girls. Wow! What a concept. I mean, if you are going to segregate there are much better ways to do it than that. How about separating the people who like to wake up early from the people who like to wake up late and have different sessions for these groups? Student productivity would skyrocket and education would advance.

Or how about segregating people who are allergic to peanut butter and people who are not allergic to peanut butter? Then, having these two groups in different classrooms would solve the problem of having to send home notes and be cautious about birthday snacks being sent to class.

Or even better – how about dividing the school into people who take the bus to school and people who have other transportation? That would completely eliminate the need for a new and complicated bus/car drop-off system at the school.

Or how about segregating the school into tall kids and short kids? That way no one could ever be teased again about his or her height because everyone would be the same height.

But then, perhaps there are worse problems to be tackled…how about we divide the kids into “kids who bring healthy snacks” and “kids who bring junk food” so I don’t have to wonder every day what my kid is eating from someone else’s snack bag?
But perhaps other people have bigger things they are worried about. To please everyone we could perhaps do a more complicated dividing process. We could have each child fill out a form akin to a “date matching” form and then we could match children as closely as possible by color of eyes, book preference and favorite TV show. That way all the kids going to each session would like each other more and we could eliminate peer pressure.

Diseases My Children Have

Diseases My Children Have
By Kristie Burns

First it was ADD and ADHD to describe those kids who just couldn't sit in class...now there is something new called Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and Conduct Disorder (CD) (http://www.helpourchildren.com/disorders.htm) to describe kids who tend to react violently and/or defiantly to things.

I am highly disappointed that more diseases have not been recognized, however. So I thought I would help things along by adding my own impeccable research to the list:

1. DOD: Demagnetized Object Disorder: Objects tend to magnetize to my children and then demagnetize in random order throughout the house causing disarray and a lot of mess for me to clean up. Frequent reminding to put things away are ignored and I have come to the conclusion this must be because they are somehow unaware of the actual magnetization process that is occurring. This is a physical rather than a mental disorder.

2. ENCD: The Emperor's New Clothes Disorder: Very frequently I will arrive at school, a restaurant, the shopping center or some other location outside the house only to realize that someone has forgotten an essential item of clothing such as socks, shoes, underwear or other. I have reminded them and reprimanded them so many times it finally occurred to me that perhaps this is some disorder and they are not really guilty of any wrongdoing. Perhaps, like the Emperor they really "see" and feel these items and are truly unaware that they are not wearing them. Poor kids! I should probably medicate them for this disorder lest they go to school without clothing some day thinking they are clothed! I assume this would be the worst symptom of the disorder. Thankfully my children only have a low-grade type.

3. BAD: Bed Allergy Disorder: I feel so sorry for my children. They have no other allergies that I can tell, except the oldest one to Colas...but they all have this horrible allergy to beds. It does not happen with any other furniture - only beds. They can sit on couches, they can sit on dining room chairs (well at least as much as any kid with ADHD can), and even sit on the floor or a bean bag...but the minute you put them in a bed, they run, they jump up and they start as if they have been bitten by something. I hope they have medication for this one because I am thinking if they don't I will just have to start putting chairs in their rooms to sleep on.

4. FAMD: Food at Midnight Disorder: Luckily only my youngest has this disorder. She is unable to eat dinner but, like clockwork, the minute bedtime is called she says, "I'm hungry" and proceeds to the kitchen to devour anything in site. Originally I thought this was related to the BAD (above) but then I realized that if it was then the other two would have it too so I had to give it a different name.

5. EFD: Exploding Feet Disorder: This may actually fall more into the physical realm rather than the mental realm. It seems that every time my children go to take their shoes off that their feet suddenly explode and one shoe ends up in one room and the other shoe in another. Occasionally we have even lost shoes entirely – I never saw them again but I can only assume they were blown away when the feet exploded. This of course, affects the socks as well and the result is so horrible that the socks are beyond repair. So far their walking has not been effected but this year my eldest daughter did run a few seconds slower in the one mile run at school than she did last year so I think I am starting to see the long-term effects of this ailment. I only hope they come up with a medication in time to save their feet from permanent damage.

6. DKD: Defiance Kissing Disorder: This is a cousin of the ODD mentioned above but without the violence. My younger child has a terrible case of this. If I tell her to do ANYTHING or she wants to do anything “against the rules” she comes and gives me a kiss and says, “I love you” and then proceeds to defy my rules and me in the most flagrant manners imaginable! It is so horrifying! The thing that makes this disorder so terrible to endure, however, is the sweetness in which it is done. This also makes the disorder hard to detect. Your child may have it and you don’t even know! I wouldn’t know myself except I have sharp eyes and finally figured the pattern out over a series of months. Some children never get diagnosed. Instead they carry the label of “Angelic and sweet child” with them their entire life, but crippled by this terrible disorder that no one ever did anything about!

These diseases were of course, discovered by me, Kristie Karima Burns, MH, ND. I take credit for their discovery and hope to share in the profits of any medication that is created to cure them. Could you please add to this list and pass it on? If we all work together and list all the diseases our children have perhaps we can find some kind pharmaceutical agency to take on our cases and I will never have to trip over another shoe in my hallway again!

Blessings and Health,
Kristie Karima Burns, MH, ND

PS: here is one a friend added:

She called it : SAD: Sibling Annoyance Disorder. Hmmm…yes. I think I know that one.

My youngest child has the worse case of that. This is the disorder where you completely forget all ways and means of communicating and interacting with another human and break down into using completely and only annoying means of communication. It is like dyslexia where you read backwards, or stuttering where you say words twice…but in this case you use only annoying words and means of communication. This disorder is usually reserved for siblings. However, if the disorder is left untreated it may extend to the mother and then eventually to other members of the human race.

If you have any to add please make a "comment" below. Thank you!

'Twas the Night Before Solstice...

Twas the Night Before Solstice
By Kristie Burns

'Twas the night before Solstice and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even our pet mouse

Knitted wool stockings were hung with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there

The children were tucked in organic cotton sheets,
The air filter blocking pollution from the streets.

While mama stayed up to make handmade gifts
I co-slept with the kids and watched auras shift.

When out in the herb garden arose such a clatter
I sprung out of our futon to see what was the matter!

Away to the solar panels I flew like a flash.
They took me hours to install, I hoped they hadn't crashed.

The crystals we'd laid out to absorb the moonlight
Sparkled like fairydust and blocked my sight.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh without any reindeer.

At that moment I knew that the little old man
Had received my last letter so bold and so grand

Could you stop using reindeer? Last year I wrote him,
And enclosed with the note a PETA pin.

As he neared the house in his all-wooden sleigh
I noticed it was powered by wheatgrass and hay.

Ostheimer! Kinderkram! Stockmar! Fair Trade!
Don't bother landing if the toys aren't handmade!

"Hey Arriana," I called to my wife with chagrin,
"With that body mass do you think he's vegetarian?"

She paused only a moment from her crafting and said,
"One moment dear! I'm shaping this gol-darn Waldorf doll's head!"

On our roof I strained to hear the ole boy
But I'd recently insulated it with soy.

So I drew in my hand and was turning around,
When in through the front door came St. Nick with a bound.

The Advent wreath had caught in his hair
As I said, "Why in the world did you enter from THERE?"

The soot in your chimney contains poisons galore.
You should consider the environment more.

But he was dressed in fur from his head to his foot
So I said, "Look whose talking about my soot!"

A bundle of felt he had flung on his back.
"I hope you like handiwork," he said with a laugh.

His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples were treats!
His cheeks reminded me of when I dye silk with beets.

He must be of the choleric type I mused.
It's a good thing with lavender the stockings I infused.

With his fur boots he slipped on the bamboo wood floor.
I offered him Arnica and then closed the front door.

After all that I'd paid to the energy company this year
I didn't want one bit of that cold air in here.

He had a broad face and a little round belly
I asked him, "Have you seen your naturopath lately?"

He was so chubby and plump I worried for his health
But I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to task,
Needle-felting dragons and weaving a mask.

He knitted a pure cotton sweater and two pairs of mittens,
Then picked up a knife and carved 2 wood kittens.

He finger-knitted an entire nativity scene.
With the most amazing skill I'd ever seen!

When he sprang from his seat on the floor and arose
I yelled, "Arianna - watch - there he goes!"

With the unfinished doll she was struggling to sew,
Arriana went to watch him out the window.

And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight!
"Arriana, my dear, the stiches are too tight!"